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User talk:CommunistEra
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Harissia page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:02, August 18, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:23, August 18, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story Starting with a basic introduction, your story was "Marked for Review" as another user who helps maintain quality on the site had concerns about the overall quality of the story. I reviewed it and found a number of issues. Take note that since it has been deleted, you can't re-upload without making a deletion appeal (after having revised it thoroughly). Formatting: A few paragraphs were formatted like this: "Of course, rebellions became more frequent than ever after the incident. Even my uncle got involved with the craze. He hid one rebel under his floorboards. I uncovered it in no time when visiting his house" Additionally a number of your paragraphs need to be more than one or two sentences. That's fine if you're putting emphasis on a specific line, but multiple times makes it seem like padding and also defeats the purpose when you continue the same thought onto a new line. Capitalization: "Harissia. assumptions (Assumptions) are encouraged over there, as the government does not take risks.", "500ML (500 mL) of hydrochloric acid", " escaped. one (One) rebel freed me before running off. ", "The leader was "Shocked (shocked) and appalled by this treachery of the highest kind"." (as it is a direct quotation of an incomplete sentence.), "off. about (About) a third into the journey the boat ran out of juice, so I swam the rest of the way.", etc. Wording: "The only ones aware of its existence are but a few selected (select) world leaders." (As you are using "select" as an adjective and not a verb. The story is being told in past tense so your tenses need to reflect that: "All inside Harissia are (were) turned against each other." (Unless you are talking about current events which are turning people against each other, but then that needs to be explained.) Story issues: The introduction needs some work: "So here I am, finally telling someone about my ordeal. You do realise that me telling you this will probably endanger you and your family, right?" This feels a bit gimmicky and would probably be better suited near the end of the story as the protagonist is sharing this information as opposed to trying to get people to not read it. Story issues cont.: There needs to be more of a background to Harissia explaining how it ended up the way it did. Take this for example: "Harissia was once a key trading port during the post 16th century (needs rephrasing as during implies an ongoing event while post implies after.), but all history of it was erased once the truth got out. All inside Harissia were turned against each other." Story issues cont.: The ending also needs work: "And when they do they will invest all their power in stopping you from telling other people about Harissia's existence. Me, I'll be dead by sunrise but you still have a chance." This needs explanation. How does the protagonist know they're in danger? Use this opportunity to build tension/suspense. There are other story issues involving the pacing and a lack of descriptions, but I think that's enough for now. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:47, August 18, 2015 (UTC) :I wouldn't advise thinking that way. A lot of first time posters are so excited to post their stories that they don't take as much time proof-reading it and planning it out. I would strongly suggest using the writer's workshop. (See deletion message for the link). EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:09, August 19, 2015 (UTC)